Men: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W Z
Women: A B C D E G H J K L M N O P R S T V Z

Funny Quotes

It is a very difficult task to make someone laugh. In fact, it is said that making someone cry is much easier than making him laugh. However, our funny quotes collection is guaranteed to add some humor to your boring day. These funny sayings will help you be stress free and forget all your tension for a while. You can also use them to bring cute smiles on the lips of your friends and loved ones. Hope you have a nice time reading the famous funny quotations.

Lou Holtz

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

William Gibson

Generation X is dead. It has come to mean anyone aged 13 to 55 years old.

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Stephen King

French is the language that turns dirt into romance.

Ulysses S. Grant

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle," and the other isn't.

Dr. Seuss

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Lewis Carroll

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).

Arthur Ashe

I guess I started too early because I just thought it was something fun to do.

Samuel Johnson

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

P. G. Wodehouse

He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say when.

Adolf Hitler

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think.

Elizabeth I

A fool too late bewares when all the peril is past.


A witty saying proves nothing.

Kevin Smith

How lame do you have to be to spend your time like that on the Internet? Can't you do something more constructive, like surf the porn? Or go into the real world and interact with people rather than cyber-sniping.

Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Adlai Stevenson II

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Albert Einstein

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

Drew Barrymore

A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?

Andy Warhol

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

Halle Berry

I wish all men were like dogs.

Donald Trump

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

Robin Williams

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Charlie Chaplin

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Dan Quayle

Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.

Alan Watts

But my dear man, reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know.

Zora Neale Hurston

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

Nikki Giovanni

If I could come back as anything - I'd be a bird, first, but definitely the command key is my second choice.

Quentin Crisp

Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.

Franklin P. Jones

All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.

Lily Collins

I'm very British at heart. When I come to England, I say I'm coming home, and then it's funny: when I leave England to go back to L.A., I also say I'm going back home.

Zac Efron

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

George Harrison

The nicest thing is to open the newspapers and not to find yourself in them.

Dan Quayle

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.

Isaac Asimov

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Johnny Depp

The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.

Benjamin Franklin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Oscar Wilde

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Victor Hugo

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Blaise Pascal

Small minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary.

George Eliot

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Robert Browning

You should not take a fellow eight years old and make him swear to never kiss the girls.

Mel Brooks

If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.

Mark Twain

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Thomas More

Ask a woman's advice, and whatever she advises, Do the very reverse and you're sure to be wise.

George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Chevy Chase

A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.

Billie Jean King

There is no life for girls in team sports past Little League. I got into tennis when I realized this, and because I thought golf would be too slow for me, and I was too scared to swim.


Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person.

Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones.

Mignon McLaughlin

A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

Joe Rogan

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.

Karl Marx

For the bureaucrat, the world is a mere object to be manipulated by him.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane.

Quentin Tarantino

I always do an all-night horror marathon on Saturdays where we start at seven and go until five in the morning.

Walt Disney

All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures. It is the very nature of fantasy and fable.

Courtney Love

If you want to ask about my drug problem, go ask my big, fat, smart, ten pound daughter, she'll answer any questions you have about it.

William Blake

Fun I love, but too much fun is of all things the most loathsome. Mirth is better than fun, and happiness is better than mirth.

Larry King

I'm having as much fun today as I did when I made $55 a week, because it is as much fun.

Elbert Hubbard

A woman will doubt everything you say except it be compliments to herself.

Christopher Morley

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.


Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Confidence contributes more to conversation than wit.

Kin Hubbard

Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper.

Nelson Mandela

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.

Charlie Chaplin

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

Andrew Jackson

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it .

Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.

Carl Sandburg

I never made a mistake in grammar but one in my life and as soon as I done it I seen it.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Reese Witherspoon

It's funny that it all becomes about clothes. It's bizarre. You work your butt off and then you win an award and it's all about your dress. You can't get away from it.

Halle Berry

In the X-Men the women are so strong and sexy! We really kick some male butt!

Maya Angelou

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Dr. Seuss

When at last we are sure, You've been properly pilled, Then a few paper forms, Must be properly filled. So that you and your heirs, May be properly billed.

Victor Hugo

Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left

Erma Bombeck

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Hank Williams

It makes me mad to hear these popular orchestras make a jammed-up comedy of a song like 'Wreck on the Highway.' It ain't a funny song.


If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself, if it be a lie, laugh at it.

Bill Watterson

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? 

Robin Williams

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Joe Rogan

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

Salvador Dali

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.

Mae West

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

William Arthur Ward

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Mel Brooks

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

Dr. Seuss

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

Andre Gide

But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year-old habits.

George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Oscar Wilde

Hollywood is the only industry, even taking in soup companies, which does not have laboratories for the purpose of experimentation.

Robert Frost

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Oscar Wilde

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.