Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.