A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.
I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.
When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.
Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.
I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.
Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.
Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.
My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.
By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.
Pretty girls have problems too.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.
You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.
Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.
My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.
Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.
Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.
Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.
America is the greatest country in the whole world.
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.
I live way below my means.
Hollywood's just not funny.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.
I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'.
When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
I love being famous. It's almost like being white.
The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.
President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.
There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get.
If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.
I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.
I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.
I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.
I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.