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Steven Wright Quotes

Stand-up comedian
Born On
1955-12-06
Birth Place
Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States
Birth Sign
sagittarius
Father
Alexander K. Wright
Mother
Lucille “Dolly” (née Lomano)
Nationality
American
Education
Emerson College, Middlesex Community College

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of width.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age.

Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks.

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright