Men: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W Z
Women: A B C D E G H J K L M N O P R S T V Z

Steven Wright Quotes

Stand-up comedian
Born On
1955-12-06
Birth Place
Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States
Birth Sign
sagittarius
Father
Alexander K. Wright
Mother
Lucille “Dolly” (née Lomano)
Nationality
American
Education
Emerson College, Middlesex Community College

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

Steven Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright