Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
How can I die? I'm booked.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.