Funny Quotes

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.
Tommy Cooper

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
Bertolt Brecht

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Robert McCloskey

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Benny Hill

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
Bette Davis

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane.

French is the language that turns dirt into romance.

Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left

We were wild, we were crazy, we were mostly young.
Kenny Chesney

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
Tom Robbins

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.

Small minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary.

Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media.
Noam Chomsky

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.
Angelina Jolie

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Roald Dahl

You know it's going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black.
Charles Barkley

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.

A witty saying proves nothing.

All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures. It is the very nature of fantasy and fable.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it .

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

I am trying to think of the last time that I just said, 'What the hell!' and did something crazy.
Jennifer Aniston

If I couldn't laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn't laugh we just would go insane, If we weren't all crazy we would go insane.
Jimmy Buffett

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Comedy is acting out optimism.

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Edward Abbey

Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.
Edward Abbey

A fool too late bewares when all the peril is past.

Hollywood is the only industry, even taking in soup companies, which does not have laboratories for the purpose of experimentation.

Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
David Ogilvy

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.
Ray Bradbury

I think we're having fun. I think our customers really like our products. And we're always trying to do better.
Steve Jobs

The trouble with super heroes is what to do between phone booths.
Ken Kesey

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper