It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

- Oscar Wilde

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

- Dr. Seuss

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).

- Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass , Lewis Carroll

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

- Albert Einstein

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

- Letters from the Earth: Uncensored Writings , Mark Twain

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

- Steven Wright

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

- Bob Hope

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

- Anonymous

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.

- Tommy Cooper

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

- Paul Beatty

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

- Bertolt Brecht

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

- Buster Keaton

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

- Victor Hugo

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

- Robert McCloskey

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

- Emo Philips

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

- Benjamin Franklin

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

- Charles M. Schulz

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

- Benny Hill

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Joan Rivers

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

- Oscar Wilde

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I should prefer to have a politician who regularly went to a massage parlour than one who promised a laptop computer for every teacher.

- A. N. Wilson

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

- Bette Davis

Sex is God's joke on human beings.

- Bette Davis

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

- Groucho Marx

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- Steven Wright

A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane.

- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.

- Salvador Dali

French is the language that turns dirt into romance.

- Stephen King

If it seems a childish thing to do, do it in remembrance that you are a child.

- Frederick Buechner

Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left

- Victor Hugo

For the bureaucrat, the world is a mere object to be manipulated by him.

- Karl Marx

We were wild, we were crazy, we were mostly young.

- Kenny Chesney

Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.

- Herman Hesse

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

- Maya Angelou

I would hope they would be our fellow artists, rather than trying to emulate or idolize clowns like us.

- Maynard James Keenan

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

- Tom Robbins

Fun I love, but too much fun is of all things the most loathsome. Mirth is better than fun, and happiness is better than mirth.

- William Blake