Humorous quotes are intended to make you laugh heartily. Enjoy sharing these humorous quotations and sayings with your friends.
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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught.
I don?t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Intelligence is like a four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman!
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Humor is reason gone mad.
The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I would hope they would be our fellow artists, rather than trying to emulate or idolize clowns like us.
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and with more real resignation to the necessary course of things, than any whining Christian ever dyed with pretended resignation to the will of God.
In my country we go to prison first and then become President.
Listening to a news broadcast is like smoking a cigarette and crushing the butt in the ashtray.
Thank you. I would like to say something truthful about Robert. He knows who he is and has a sense of humor about it. It's a hard business. And to have things happen that are bad and have to go through it with everybody asking you questions about it all day long is tough.
Small minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary.
Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media.
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