Comedy Quotes

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
Bette Davis

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
Dolly Parton

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Edward Abbey

Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.
Edward Abbey

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.
Elizabeth Taylor

There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third.
Timothy Leary

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Tommy Cooper

But my dear man, reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know.

I phoned my grandparents and my grandfather said 'We saw your movie.' 'Which one?' I said. He shouted 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?'
Brad Pitt

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
Lenny Bruce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
Jay Leno

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
Larry David

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
Garry Shandling

The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was.

All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates

Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded.
Mike Myers

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Mort Sahl

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
Ron White

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
Ron White

And what's interesting about him as a comic character is that the custard pie hardly ever ends up on his face.
Rowan Atkinson

A nice, easy place for freedom of speech to be eroded is comics, because comics are a natural target whenever an election comes up.
Neil Gaiman

I love romantic comedies. I like to watch them and I like to be in them. It's something that's increasingly difficult to find, that spark of originality that makes it different than the ones that come before.

I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the show, but more importantly I want to congratulate Comedy Central for picking up the show,

When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.
Casey Stengel

This happens to be that the power of laughter and love would beat out the power of fear every time. You know, I hate to sound corny about it but it's true, and I think that's what this movie is about.
John Goodman

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the taste makers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned.
Kristen Bell

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.
Buster Keaton

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Joan Rivers