
When I mount the scaffold at last these will be my farewell words to the sheriff: Say what you will against me when I am gone, but don't forget to add, in common justice, that I was never converted to anything.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.