One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Always do whatever's next.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.