Jokes Quotes

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Edward Abbey

Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.
Edward Abbey

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
David Ogilvy

There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third.
Timothy Leary

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Tommy Cooper

Cobb is a prick. But he sure can hit. God Almighty, that man can hit.
Babe Ruth

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Humor comes from self-confidence.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
Muhammad Ali

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
Jay Leno

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
David Letterman

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!
Garth Brooks

We called him Tortoise because he taught us.

He who has provoked the lash of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.
James Boswell

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

At 69, I got the girl! And it wasn't a 68-year-old girl, either.
Michael Caine

Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded.
Mike Myers

And I love kick boxing. It's a lot of fun. It gives you a lot of confidence when you can kick somebody in the head.
Alicia Keys

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Mort Sahl

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
David Frost

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle," and the other isn't.

Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.
Dean Koontz

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

But while it's possible to imagine tasteless jokes that ridicule human suffering, it's equally possible to imagine jokes that express outrage, assert a will to endure, or challenge dominant or majority thinking.
Paul Lewis

I always do an all-night horror marathon on Saturdays where we start at seven and go until five in the morning.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.
Lyndon B. Johnson

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

And a breastplate made of daisies, Closely fitting, leaf on leaf, Periwinkles interlaced Drawn for belt about the waist; While the brown bees, humming praises, Shot their arrows round the chief.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.