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Quotes By Emo Philips

Nationality
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DOB
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7-02-1956

Stand-up comedian Emo Philips has an uncanny ability to draw uproars of laughter when asked about the ‘worst’ situations he has faced in life. He was once asked about the worst job he had ever been employed in. He recounted the time he had been hired by a local Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet at the age of sixteen. His workload included cleaning up the kitchen at the back for the lowest possible wages. However, the perk of the job was that Philips got to eat as much chicken as he could. On the first night, his boss pushed him harder to put in some muscle into the cleaning. Though the lanky Emo tried his best, the cranky boss just wasn’t happy with his effort and proceeded to fire the young boy. However, the entertainer claims that the quantity of chicken he lugged back home was more than he could have ever afforded with his meagre salary. He’s also thankful that he lost the job or else he would have gained so much weight that he wouldn’t have been able to move.

Another question that garnered a similar sad yet humorous response was about the worst living conditions he has ever faced. Emo went on to describe the time he was being housed at an acquaintance’s place. The friend had three pet rats in the other room, and Philips gradually began falling terribly sick, with his asthma worsening by the day. But that wasn’t enough, as he says, “And then noisy roommates. And then people having sex next to you. And then people having sex next to you in another room.”

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

- Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!

- Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

- Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

- Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

- Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

- Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

- Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

- Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

- Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

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