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Rita Rudner Quotes

Comedian
Born On
1953-09-17
Birth Place
Miami, Florida, U.S
Birth Sign
virgo
Father
Frances Rudner
Mother
Abe Rudner
Spouse
Martin Bergman
Nationality
American

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk

Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours

Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other.

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner

“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner