Rita Rudner Quotes
Comedian
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.
Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.