Rita Rudner Quotes
Comedian
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.