Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ''learning experience.'' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a ''learning experience.'' It makes me feel less stupid.
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.