Funny Quotes

I wish all men were like dogs.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

We're really good friends and we hang out. It's like I get to hang out with my friends and get paid for it.
Mark Hoppus

I'll forever be a fan. ... He's just a good guy. He gave you the time. He was interested, fun. You could tell he had a passion for golf.
Jim Jones

Confidence contributes more to conversation than wit.

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates

At 69, I got the girl! And it wasn't a 68-year-old girl, either.
Michael Caine

A woman telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

“I phoned my grandparents and my grandfather said 'we saw your movie'. 'Which one?' I said. He shouted 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?”
Brad Pitt

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.
Mike Myers

It's funny that it all becomes about clothes. It's bizarre. You work your butt off and then you win an award and it's all about your dress. You can't get away from it.

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.
David Cross

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle," and the other isn't.

Art has to move you and design does not, unless it's a good design for a bus.
David Hockney

You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
Murray Walker

I was really excited to get to shave my head - it's something I'd wanted to do for a while and now I had a good excuse. It was nice to shed that level of vanity.
Natalie Portman

Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own.
David Rockefeller

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.
Neil Gaiman

If I could come back as anything - I'd be a bird, first, but definitely the command key is my second choice.

When I was doing Bean more than I've done him in the last few years, I did strange things - like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean.
Rowan Atkinson

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

When at last we are sure, You've been properly pilled, Then a few paper forms, Must be properly filled. So that you and your heirs, May be properly billed.

The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.

The trouble with women umpires is that I couldn't argue with one. I'd put my arms around her and give her a little kiss.
Casey Stengel

Generation X is dead. It has come to mean anyone aged 13 to 55 years old.

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.
Pam Brown

My future Plans - Marriage, a villa and 10 kids.
Peta Wilson

Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out of 10, they'll fall flat on their faces. That's what makes them great actors: they take those chances, they don't play it safe.
Peter Farrelly

When your friend and best client asks you to help his friend, you do it.
Greg Anderson

I'm taking my rats. Those are my friends for the tour. Thelma and Louise. They're so cute.
Pink

I always do an all-night horror marathon on Saturdays where we start at seven and go until five in the morning.

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the taste makers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned.
Kristen Bell

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.
Lyndon B. Johnson

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? 

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Some like sunday some like monday, but i like your birthday.happy birthday my sweetheart.

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

One and two, three and four Shining, shining brightly. Five and six, then two more, Each one added nightly. Eight at last, what a blaze! Prettiest of sights,. Best of all the holidays, This Festival of Lights.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

Having someone dump you and say: "We can still be friends!" Is like having your mom say: "Your dog died but you can still keep it!